The Accident Book Continueth …

The Accident Book Continueth …

This post relates to that hideous journal of  unmitigated disaster: THE ACCIDENT BOOK. You will no doubt remember that it concerns the many mishaps of my highly accident-prone friend and sometimes employee, Watkins. These were recorded by his former employer Lord Northbunker on his country estate in Dorset where he worked as an assistant Groundsman.

I stopped at Extract #13 which seemed gruesomely appropriate at the time. I knew I had to stop as it was becoming almost unbearable to relate.

Anyway, dear friends – after several months of intensive therapy with my good friend and mentor Doctor Eva Zuckerbauer at her mountain retreat in Switzerland – I now feel able to resume. And it is in this respect that I do have a small request to ask of you regarding  said continuance thereof.

So, here’s the thing. The heart of the matter. I would absolutely love it if you were to try and  guess one of the mishaps not  yet  listed. And, through the very miracle that is the comments box, I will tell you if you are correct. I have a sneaky feeling that you will all be bang on he money whatever you suggest. Hey … feel free to ask your friends to join in as well. You could steamroller them into it. Steamroller – now there’s a thought.

Just to refresh your memory, here is a list of just a few accidents thus far related to you …

• Trampoline
• Kite flying
• Electric shock
• Fireworks
• Lawn mower
• Rottweiler
• Parachute

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Nobody called Watkins was hurt during the writing of this post. God knows I tried!

LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU.

 

The Accident Book … extract # 13 (Watkins & The Accidental Ceiling of Great Joy)

The Accident Book … extract # 13

(Watkins & The Accidental Ceiling of Great Joy)

Those of you who joined me previously will no doubt remember the last unfortunate incident concerning Watkins. What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

The Accident Book … extract # 12 (Watkins: The Man Who Fell to Earth)

The Accident Book … extract # 12

(Watkins: The Man Who Fell to Earth)

Those of you who joined me previously will no doubt remember the last unfortunate incident concerning Watkins. What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

Extract # 12   (Watkins: The Man Who Fell to Earth)

The Accident Book … extract # 11

The Accident Book … extract # 11

You may have noticed that I have not included any Accident Book entries relating to Watkins during the past few months. There are plenty but, quite frankly, relating them to you was getting a tad depressing. So I have been taking an accident-free holiday as it were.

But something amusingly ironic has recently occured and I am thus of a mind to relate it to you. As I have no doubt pointed out to you before, the Accident Book is quite a weighty tome. I often use it as a door-stop. Well, Watkins was busy perusing it in his shed the other day when he was was momentarily startled by an owl. 

 The result of said distraction was that the silly old fool went and dropped the Accident Book right on his foot.  He is usually in the habit of wearing a pair of sturdy old army boots whilst performing his various duties. This I am given to understand includes amorous activities with Mrs Watkins every second Thursday of the month. I digress. Unfortunately, on this particular occasion, he wasn’t. He came hobbling up the garden path in his socks in great distress and informed me of said mishap.

I immediately saw the funny side of it and Watkins just as immediately didn’t. He was clearly in dire need of urgent medical assistance so I drove him straight to the hospital.

After close examination, the young doctor in the A&E department duly informed us that the human foot contains 26 bones. According to his x-Ray, Watkins had managed to break all 26, plus another 3 that were completely unknown to medical science. The good doctor also saw the funny side of things vis-a-vis the Accident Book although Watkins himself was still batting for the agony team until the morphine kicked in.

You will, no doubt, be delighted to hear that Watkins is now well on the road to recovery. The Accident Book has been safely returned to my custody. 

 

The Accident Book … Extract # 10

The Accident Book … Extract # 10

Those of you who joined me last week will no doubt remember the unfortunate incident concerning Watkins and the Near Death Certificate.

What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

Extract # 10

Apparently, Watkins is something of an animal lover.
Even as I write, he is out in the garden with Poppy & Willow, Mrs Blyth-Comely’s adorable pet rotweilers. She is away in London for a few days having breast enhancement surgery. So I have very kindly agreed to take them in hand for her until she returns.

Watkins appears to be having a splendid time playing with his new pals so I retire to the kitchen for a spot of lunch.

Just a few minutes later, I am joined in the kitchen by Poppy & Willow – minus Watkins. I feed them the remains of yesterday’s Sunday roast, tie them securely to the kitchen table and go off in search of Watkins. I find him having what appears to be a crafty nap in one of the flower-beds. I have a mind to chastise him most firmly for falling asleep on the job. On closer inspection it would seem that his canine chums have been just a wee bit too playful and have worn him to a complete frazzle.

I administer him with several medicinal nips of brandy from my hip-flask. I am suddenly filled with great alarm as the two hairy miscreants return to the scene of the crime dragging the kitchen table behind them. I prop dear old Watkins against an apple tree and beat a hasty retreat to the relative safety of the cocktail cabinet. Still, the emergency services are on their way.

The Accident Book … Extract # 9

The Accident Book … Extract # 9

Those of you who joined me last week will no doubt remember the unfortunate incident concerning Watkins and the rock group.

What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

Extract # 9

Watkins certainly seems to have had more than his fair share of bad luck when it comes to the jolly old accident stakes. In fact, the staff at the Accident & Emergency department have said that since Watkins is such a regular visitor they all call him by his first name. I really must phone up and ask them what it is.

Also they are now apparently in the habit of issuing him with something called a NEAR DEATH CERTIFICATE as a nice little reminder of his latest brush with the Grim Reaper.

The Accident Book … Extract # 9 … Rock of Ages

The Accident Book … Extract # 9 … Rock of Ages

Those of you who joined me last week will no doubt remember the unfortunate incident concerning Watkins and the lawn mower.

What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

Extract # 9 … Rock of Ages

Even as I write, Watkins is out on the patio with my son-in-law Steve who is busy rehearsing with his post-punk-revivalist band – the Fankful Deaf. Being something of a musical aficionado himself, having once played lead bugle in the Boys Brigade marching band, Watkins has very kindly agreed to stand in for Winston the bass-guitarist who is currently on remand in Strangeways for a spot of assault and house-breaking.  

Watkins is attempting to play the guitar with his teeth. I fear they may fall out at any moment. I also strongly suspect that someone may well have slipped an illicit substance into his pipe. He has been making increasingly lewd remarks to Angie the lead vocalist. These pertain to the exact location of her many tattoos and body-piercings. He has now decided to pick a fight with Big Ron the drummer. The air is thick with expletives and flying-fists. 

I sense a definite mood of anger and hostility within the group but I am assured that such violent behaviour and discord is quite normal and nothing to worry about. Watkins is now spark out on the lawn with a snare drum wrapped around his head. He has an expression of great joy on his face. Watkins, the wild-man of rock. Battered, bruised and stoned out of his tiny little mind. Still, the emergency services are on their way. 

The Accident Book … extract # 8 (The Lawnmower Man)

The Accident Book … extract # 8  (The Lawnmower Man)

Those of you who joined me last week will no doubt remember the unfortunate incident concerning Watkins and the bird table. 

What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

Extract Number 8 … The Lawnmower Man.

Even as I write, Watkins is busy out in the garden doing battle with the old Atco Lawnmaster. It has seen somewhat better days and could really do with replacing as bits keep falling off. Rather like Watkins himself really. But he seems to enjoy the daily challenge of performing heart surgery on it and who am I to spoil his fun.  

The jolly old Atco suddenly sparks and roars into action like a leaping tiger. It is a source of great delight to see both man and machine united in common purpose. More than a match for the long grass bordering the vegetable garden.  

Oh dear. It seems I spoke too soon. The jolly old Atco seems to have developed a very serious fault which involves mowing Watkins. This could get messy. I am profoundly disturbed by the sound of his pitiful screams and retire to the library for a stiff drink. Still, the emergency services are on their way.

The Accident Book … extract # 7

The Accident Book … extract # 7

Those of you who joined me last week will no doubt remember the unfortunate incident concerning Watkins and the fireworks.

What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

Extract # 7

Watkins appears to be in rather a dark place at the moment. Even as I write, he is outside having an attack of what can best be described as ‘garden-rage’. He has just this minute napalmed all the deckchairs, having first ridden roughshod over my prize-winning begonias astride the old Atco Lawnmaster.

Now, to my absolute horror and chagrin, he is relieving himself into the ornamental fishpond. Enough is enough! I pour myself a generous measure of Old Grouse and wander casually out into the garden armed with my trusty 12 bore shotgun.

On arrival I find that, in a fit of pique, he has managed to accidentally nail his hand to the bird-table.

Really, such extraordinary and uncharacteristic behaviour. I fear that Watkins has been listening to his old Rolling Stones records in the shed again. And nothing good ever comes of that. Still, the emergency services are on their way. 

 

Take care folks!

The Accident Book … Extract # 6

The Accident Book … Extract # 6

Those of you who joined me last week will no doubt remember the unfortunate incident concerning Watkins and the concrete.

What follows is another extract from the ACCIDENT BOOK as recorded by Lord & Lady Northbunker on their estate in Dorset.

Extract # 6 

Even as I write, Watkins is busy out in the garden testing equipment for tomorrow night’s celebratory fireworks. He informs me that he has a City & Guilds in this sort of thing and that he is a regular subscriber to a trade monthly called Pyrotechnic World. Otherwise I would have assuredly called in the experts. Unfortunately, he appears to have neglected at least one of the prime safety directives when handling fireworks. He has just dropped his pipe into a box of rockets. Oh dear! Things appear to be going off. I have never seen a chap so well into his eighties move quite as fast. This probably has something to do with the blazing projectile currently homing in on his aged posterior. Finally, after several screaming circuits of the lawn, man and missile are united in a blinding but nevertheless very colourful flash. 

The pandemonium that ensues reminds me of those splendid terms – anally retentive and upwardly mobile. Such bravado! Such crescendo! Such a mess. Still, the emergency services are on their way.

Take care folks!